1997-05-08 - Spring Orgo Night
Butler Library Reading Room, 11:59pm
[march into Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite the crane looming ominously over West Lawn, it's the most constructive band in the world, brought to you by Falcon Steel, the Columbia University Marching Big Giant Construction Equipment For Kids.
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Timothy Leary - In Space
J. Gene Roddenberry - In Space
and J. 39 members of the Heaven's Gate Cult - Not in Space
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to dark, dank, decrepit, depressing, dreary, in need of renovation, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting but sadly not the men and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring class size on the rise, quality of instruction on the way down, and respect for the intellectual process on the way out, presents its 25th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous orgo.
[who owns]
Recently it seems the president of Phillip Morris, in front of Congress to testify on the addictive qualities of cigarettes, compared nicotine to gummy bears. "I eat gummy bears every day. I like gummy bears. When I don't eat gummy bears, I feel bad. Does that mean gummy bears are addictive?" Congress answered with a resounding "yes." The gummy bear patch is already being marketed in certain test areas, and the marching band sees a gummy bear crackdown ahead. Orchestrated by the GBEA, the gummy bear enforcement agency, the German government is being forced into firebombing raids on the Black Forest. Government aid for gummy bear babies is being debated in Congress, while the ultra-conservative Partnership for a Gummy-Bear-Free America has begun airing ads already: "Son, where'd you learn to twist the heads off one color gummy bear and put it back on a different color?" [band response] "From you, dad! I learned it by watching you!" Paramount has announced plans to pull the last scene of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" from all extant tapes of the movie, saying they thought it would influence children to think gummy bears were "cool". The federal government has also announced an imminent preemptive strike against Lay's brand potato chips, because after all, you can never eat just one. The band now pays salute to everyone's little addictions by playing "I Wanna Be
Sedated".
[sedated]
Did you know the New York street price of cocaine soared dramatically in recent weeks?
{Justin: You're telling me!}
Earlier this semester, unrest threatened when the General Studies students got upset about the termination of Dean Tischler. {random bandie: "Now that we don't have an admissions officer, they're going to let just everybody in!"} The band for one was excited about seeing a GS-style riot, and was quite disappointed when the reality failed to materialize. Here we present a few of our ideas about how such a riot might have happened.
* In lieu of a hunger strike, the protestors might agree to stage their midlife crises en masse in front of Lewisohn.
* In an attempt to storm Low, they could beat security guards over the heads with their walkers and wheelchairs.
* The rioters, instead of using the fierce tactics practiced by their younger brethren, will instead spend their time whining about how rioting was better back in their heyday.
* Let's not forget about the lauded "Take-your-daughter-to-the-riot Day"
* And of course, in the most devastating move of all, they could disperse and infiltrate various Columbia College classes and ask unnecessary and disruptive questions in order to halt the learning process.
The band now plays, in honor of everyone's favorite other undergraduate institution (after Barnard, of course) the band now plays "I hear you knocking, but you couldn't get into Columbia College when you were actually college age and we just don't care about your admissions dean anyway"
[knocking]
Recently it seems an Air Force fighter plane was stolen in over Colorado, only to be found a few weeks later destroyed in a fiery crash in the desert. Though the Air Force claims to have no idea why the pilot would've sabotaged himself and the plane, rumor has it that the pilot's gay lover was planning to out him, ending his Air Force career. The government denied this rumor, saying instead the queer incident was obviously a result of too much drag on the wings. The pilot had deviated from a straight line and rammed into the backside of a cliff with his A-10, snub-nosed warthog (though the pilot was always saying it was an A-12 warthog). A self-described trouser pilot, the airman's flaming death halted any gay feeling throughout the nation, as kings and queens throughout the world paid tribute to his sacrifice by sending fruit to the pilot's parents. The Air Force continues to maintain the façade, saying "That sort of thing only happens. . . 'In the Navy'"
[band breaks into the Village People to wild and appreciative applause]
Earlier this semester, Health Services announced that abortions would be covered under the school's health insurance, and that students in need would be referred to an off-campus provider. The band for one sees where this is going, and predicts that by the year 2000, not only will abortions be performed in John Jay, but students will be able to purchase "Abortion Dollars" in order to fund them. Although the abortions at John Jay would be serviceable, they'd be nothing compared to those at Uris. First years would be of course required to get $800 abortion points a semester, and get a minimum of five morning-after pills a week, with a kosher abortion plan available at Barnard. The band now forms the nadir of bad taste and plays "Wipeout".
[wipeout]
After Tiger Woods became the first golfer of African-American descent to win the Masters' Tournament, fellow pro golfer Fuzzy Zoeller, a drunken halfwit who'd come in 34th in the tournament, commented to reporters that they should warn Tiger Woods not to serve fried chicken and collard greens at the traditional Masters Dinner. Woods responded in part by saying he was not African-American, but African-Asian-American. Zoeller responded by saying he should be careful not to serve fried chicken, collard greens and General Tso's Chicken with pork fried rice. The band now forms a burning cross and plays "In the Midnight Hour".
[hour]
Earlier this year, on the fiftieth anniversary of his plane crash in the Pacific, George Bush fulfilled his pledge to jump out of a plane, but this time for fun, becoming the first ex-president to skydive since "Point Break". Dole attempted to one-up his Republican friend by replicating his war experiences: he will next year go under Nazi gunfire "just for fun". Ronald Reagan chimed in from California, vowing to recreate his war experience by staying in Hollywood and reuniting with Bonzo the chimp, while Bill Clinton began an extended campaign to sit at home, smoke weed, conspire with the communists and practice free love. The band now salutes Bill Clinton's war experience by playing the Violent Femmes' classic "Blister in the Sun".
[blister in the sun]
Earlier this semester, Marcellus Wiley, our campus' most famous rapper, was drafted to the NFL Buffalo Bills football team. Marcellus, known for his aggressive acts on and off the field, was accused freshman year of being overly violent when he forced his way into Eileen Gilooly's Lit Hum section. When told of these accusations, Wiley responded vehemently "I'm not, uh, Rappaport." Marcellus, the alleged rapier-wielder, was in fact suspended once for report card problems. His riposte was that his rap-sheet was hardly impressive. Rupp, for example, had one nearly as long. Reports from early draft scouts revealed Marcellus could form an integral part of their lineup, helping to penetrate the offensive line of their opponents, throwing their players to the ground and ripping them apart while they laid there, prone and helpless. Marcellus, a noted rapscallion on campus, will certainly be missed next year. Farewell, Marcellus. We hardly knew ye.
{Justin: Second Round! My fuckin' Grandmother got drafted in the second round!}
The band now plays the classic song "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" by Rod Stewart, who has never been accused of rapping.
["if you want my body . . ."]
The band would now like to offer some chemistry tips to our pre-med, orgo-taking friends.
Potassium Hydroxide is a flaming base, whereas Elton John is a flaming pianist.
Alpha particles, or protons, can tunnel through potential walls, subsequently causing nuclear fusion, Whereas Sigma Alpha Mu, or Sammy, tunneled through their East Campus walls, subsequently causing them to get thrown out of housing.
MGBR, or a gringard reagent, will perform a backside attack on an alcohol, Whereas Phi Gamma Delta, or Figi, on alcohol will perform a backside attack on just about anyone
Night, all. Drive safe.
[march out to Raw]